


Some helpful tips for the staff of the Magnus Institute, by Martin K. Blackwood

by sweetvillain



Series: The Magnus Memos [2]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, M/M, Mostly Gen, Nobody is Dead, Threats of Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:07:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25861801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetvillain/pseuds/sweetvillain
Summary: What it says on the tin. Now with extra cake!
Relationships: Elias Bouchard/Peter Lukas, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: The Magnus Memos [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1876627
Comments: 11
Kudos: 130





	Some helpful tips for the staff of the Magnus Institute, by Martin K. Blackwood

**Author's Note:**

> I was originally going to just add more entries to the first list but this insisted on being from Martin's point of view. Dunno if it counts as a Skippy's List anymore, it's a whole other thing now. Still short though. Probably makes a tad bit more sense if you read the first part of the series first.

Hi everyone! I know Jon just recently sent out a memo but I feel like he left out some things that are definitely important to know. For Institute staff, I mean. I guess you wouldn't have much use for these elsewhere unless you've made some deeply weird lifestyle choices.

  * First of all, everything in Jon's list is accurate...ish, so you should probably not do any of those things. Although we have had a Talk about his "reverse psychic rickrolling" idea and how it's Not Okay and I'm sure he'll get around to apologizing to those afflicted very soon, like he promised. (Jon. _You promised._ ) You'll be happy to hear that Marjorie from accounting is on the mend, aside from some lingering flashbacks to extremely detailed nosehair trimming.
  * I know some of you have concerns about Peter Lukas occasionally filling in for Elias as acting head of the Institute, but please try not to antagonize him. When he offers you a transfer if you're not satisfied with your current position at the Institute, he's NOT talking about new career opportunities. (Also, just because Elias can get away with calling Peter 'Captain Ahab' and his ship 'Boaty McBoatface' doesn't mean that you can.)
  * It's not specifically mentioned in the warning for Chrome's incognito mode, but using it on your work computer does not shield you from the gaze of a voyeuristic fear god. In short, Elias sees all your porn. Jon does too and he really, really wishes he didn't.
  * Melanie's Workplace Assassinations 101 workshop meets at the Stag's Head on Fridays after work, if you're looking to brainstorm ideas. I know Elias makes a big show of complaining about it, but he also gets kind of mopey if people stop trying. I think he likes the attention.
  * Speaking of which, Elias left a note on our office corkboard that just says "Not all workplace murders are purely supernatural. You'll be just as dead if Professor Plum gets you in the Conservatory with a lead pipe". So I guess I'll just... pass that along and hope we can make it through the work week with minimum pipe murder. Although the way that note was printed, embarrassing cartoon clipart and everything, it definitely looked more like a motivational poster than a warning?
  * I know I'm supposed to tell you to stop letting cats loose in the Archives when you want to have a rummage around without Jon noticing. But honestly, have you seen him chasing after a cat and having adorable little conversations with them while scritching them under their chin? I'm absolutely not giving you permission to bring in more cats but theoretically if a cat were somehow to manifest within the Archives I would very much appreciate all photos and video footage of the incident being forwarded to me. For archival purposes.
  * We still don't know why cake summons Elias. Not just the presence of cake, sometimes it's enough to think about baking one or buying one and he'll show up to increase the chances of cake happening. We've done some testing - cheesecake does count, pies and quiches generally don't. Cupcakes, pastries and various shortbreads have a roughly 50% chance of catching his attention, and we think it may be down to the type of batter and frosting ...or something eldritch and unknowable. I guess we could just ask him, but at what cost?
  * Singing sea shanties does not in fact summon Peter Lukas, but if he happens to be around and hears you, there absolutely will be consequences. So best to avoid those, and also Mah Na Mah Na because Peter says he once had that stuck in his head for a full six months on his ship. He ended up vanishing his entire crew and a pod of whales just to deal with the stress. (Don't worry though, he did put the whales back later when he was feeling better!)
  * Leaving one star Yelp reviews for the Institute and editing our Wikipedia page to say our location is 'the land of Mordor where the shadows lie' is... fair enough, actually. And Elias seems to think it's a great viral marketing strategy for some reason, so why not.
  * If you run into a spider in the office, the best course of action is to gently escort it off the premises. I don't agree with Jon's "There's no such thing as just a spider" theory but you can't exactly interrogate them about their motives, so there's no harm in being nice just in case. (Jon doesn't agree with me about the interrogating either, by the way. I thought I'd mention that since some of you have probably already seen him shining a desk lamp straight at a tiny spider and yelling "Who sent you??")
  * There really, _really_ is no Avatar of Oh No I Fear You've Stolen My Heart. First off, how does that sound even remotely plausible, and secondly, that's just Tim with a fake moustache and an offensively bad French accent. Actually, that does sound pretty monstrous so note to self, have Jon check Tim's fear god street cred.




End file.
